Warped glasses and some really good news.

Below is an email from my endocrinologist. Here is a current picture of me. I'll post a new picture from time to time so we can see the changes occur.

"Even better news! Your urine free Cortisol was zero! It doesn't get better than that. If you remember it had been ranging in the 200-500 range (normal <45).>

I hope this part doesn't confuse you, but I also spoke with the laboratory director about your ACTH levels, and we are looking into trying to determine what we are measuring in the lab (it is ranging from 10-18; but given your Cortisol levels, it is not biologically active and may be an artifact). It may require more blood samples in the future.

You are doing GREAT."

P.S. You should know I absolutely hate pictures of myself right now. In my mind, this is not what I look like. Even when I look in the mirror, this is not what I look like. It is like looking at a distorted view of myself, as through warped glasses.

Proof.

I did it. I called my doctor about my GI problems and concern about the Metformin for diabetes. He said I can stop taking that medication and to keep him informed of my GI situation. I am so excited!

This, to me, is huge. It's the end of poking myself with a needle. It's three fewer pills per day I have to take!

To me, this is proof that my Cushing's is going bye bye.

btw: I totally missed an appointment for a chest x-ray and visit with my surgeon this morning. I thought it was next Monday. Now I have to reschedule. Today would had been perfect since I had nothing else going on anyway. Bummer.

Totally unnecessary.

I think I'm taking Metformin unnecessarily. A little more than a week ago my glucose tested at 89 - after I ate breakfast. The Metformin is for diabetes and I may not even have diabetes anymore. I had horrible cramping about a week before Christmas and was constipated. I took some "helping" medications and they "helped." Since then, though, I have had the exact opposite problem.

Yesterday morning I was thinking about it and what could be causing this problem. I thought about the Metformin because it deals with diabetes, a dietary issue. So, when I was at the grocery store yesterday, I stopped by and talked to the pharmacist. I asked what the side effects were for the medication Metformin. He said that GI problems were very common. I explained my situation (Cushing's induced diabetes - Cushing's going away - on the steroid Dexamethasone) and he suggested I call my doctor to see if it is possible for me to go off the Metformin as it may not be necessary anymore.

You betcha! I will be calling this morning. Three less pills per day, especially these larger type, is a great move forward for me. I would love to feel better and not have to go through GI problems while trying to recover from everything else!

P.S. Sorry this post is about poop. Just keepin' it real.

Update on "Getting Back"

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about some "Things I can't wait to get back to doing" and I thought I would give you an update as to which I have been able to start doing again.

Still connected - breathing without a tube in my nose

Cuddling Up! Yay! - sleeping in my bed next to my husband

At least one meal a day - cooking

Not yet - pushing a grocery cart, not sitting in one

Not even close - exercising like I used to

"" - mini-triathlon

"" - riding a bike

School starts in a week, so we'll find out then - walking to class without feeling winded

"" - focusing on school

Not happening anytime soon, if anything, soon I'll be seeing MORE! :} - seeing fewer doctors

I am looking at apartments, just for the heck of it... - looking for jobs in Manhattan

Looks pretty good - working on my CV and cover letters

Just needs uploading! - working on my website

Maybe for Valentine's Day? - having dinner parties

Not really, but I didn't love that before, so I'm in no hurry. - cleaning my house

Nope. - helping at my daughter's school

Not yet. - going out with friends

"" - going on dates with my husband

"" - continuing to create new family traditions

Yep! Twice now! - Monday Night Dinners

Maybe next year. - polar bear club

No shopping yet. - shopping for stylish clothing

I have some ideas. - finding a style (should happen before the previous item)

Nope. - dancing

Nope. - visiting friends (some have had babies in the last year and I haven't seen them at all!)

After graduation? - traveling for vacation

This summer? - fishing

"" - camping (I've never been, but would like to go some time)

"" - hiking

Probably next winter. - snowshoeing!! (I have missed the last two winters and I love to snowshoe - fun and a great workout!)

Soon I think. - shopping with my tween daughter

YES! I love Super Mario Brothers. I've made it the 2nd world and am trying to conquer the darkness. I've actually had to take a break because I started yelling at the t.v. I've tried out Mario Kart too, but I suck pretty bad at it. - playing Wii with my daughter (I'm horrible mostly, but it's time spent with her)

Probably would be good to now show her how I react to playing Wii because I'm pretty sure the words emitting from my mouth are not very lady like... :) - showing my daughter what it means to be a woman

Maybe this summer? - gardening (flowers and plants - I've given up on vegetables/fruits because Craig loves it so much)

Not really. - home maintenance and decorating

Not yet. - bending over to lace up shoes

Getting there. - seeing my feet when standing

Will try when school starts in a week. - sitting in those little desks at school without feeling like I'm being cut in half

Still have braces until at least next month! - eating an apple without slicing it up first, same thing with a carrot

"" - flossing my teeth in 2 or 3 minutes, rather than 20 or 30 (threading between braces takes a long, long time!)

I've done it a few times, but I feel like my neck is still so fat. - wearing necklaces

I still have sutures and those little tabs covering my big incision, so not yet. - swimming

One baby step at a time. - running

Still missing. - finding my abs and butt

We've taken some pictures, but no professional portrait yet. - taking a family picture

Will help when there is not a foot of snow outside the back door. - evening walks after dinner

Not yet, but trying with friends who are very far away and need the support. - caring for friends, family and neighbors who may need me

Will start soon! I know there will be two of them! - planning graduation parties!

I've been IN my car while others drive it, but no driving yet. I miss my car. - driving my car

With the weather the way it's been lately, I don't think this would have happened even if I wasn't ill. - washing my car (inside and out)

Nope. - building more websites for people on the side

Nope. - go to the zoo

Nah. - walk through a museum

My husband. But he also says I'm "cuddly." Cuddly does not equal sexy in my book, but I'll take it for what it's worth! - being told I have a sexy body

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Okay. I get it. I'm supposed to feel crappy. It would just be nice if the whole feeling crappy thing could somehow coordinate with my plans for the day. For example: why can't I feel crappy when I'm just sitting around watching t.v.? Oh noooo. I have to feel crappy when it's time for me to finally get out of the house and go places. Then I just deal with it because I am so desperate to get out of the house. I need human interaction!

Other than my husband and daughter, I haven't seen another human being in 3D since Tuesday. Lately, my primary interaction with others has been via this blog, facebook, and texting, unless you count Bobby Flay teaching me how to cook bacon in the oven. I was needing a little human interaction.

Even my doctor contacted me via email this week. This is "the good" (the last few paragraphs were "the bad") news I received: my cortisol level last week was 0.7 (this is great news he said) and my glucose was 89. Both of these numbers excellent! He also asked how I was doing on the lower dose of dexamethasone - so I told him. (Here comes "the ugly".)

I told him about the pain in my joints and how my muscles felt like lead and rubber at the same time. I also told him about my worsening tummy problems. Other than those things, I told him, I'm just dealing with the normal post surgery issues: sparklers in the side, numbness, shortness of breath, etc, etc, etc... (I'm pretty sure "..." means etc, etc, etc - so consider the end of that last sentence a super etcetera!)

So, that's "the good", "the bad", and "the ugly". Overall, my spirits are up and I contribute that mostly to my getting out of the house both last night and tonight. Next week I'll be alone for the most part while Craig is at work and Halle is at school all day. I do get to go to the bank and the University Bookstore on Monday (deposit and textbooks). Yay!

Cushing's, Cancer, Graduation, and New York

The two holidays that always seem to bring me down are New Year's and Valentine's Days. I guess it's been the expectations I've placed on them. When I was a teenager, I was the oldest, by far, of all my mom's friends kids, so I was the default babysitter. Every year my mom and her friends would get all dressed up in gaudy outfits with their big 80s hair and shiny long nails to party like it was 1989, give or take a few years. I was stuck with 5 or 6 kids all my brother's age in a house with a beta video player and boxes of pizza. It was some cruel form of birth control.

As it neared midnight, I became weepy. All the kids were usually conked out by this time or in some kind of comatose state. I'd be watching Dick Clark ring in the new year in my favorite city in the whole world - New York. Depressing.

I've never been to a New Year's Eve party that has met my expectations of those days. I've been to gatherings with family members and even been to a big downtown event (during which I was taken to the ER with kidney stones). I've even had my own party at our house where I cooked everyone dinner and we had a fine time. Still nothing to brag about...

For ringing in 2010, I had thought, a few years ago, that I would be celebrating just like I had always dreamed I could. This is the year I would graduate from college! After years of hard work and planning, it would all be paying off in 2010 - so I would have a lot to celebrate.

Instead, I sat in my throne with my own private O2 bar watching "Up" with my husband and daughter. There was nothing wrong with it. But it wasn't much different from any other weekend night either. It made me feel disappointed and sad about my situation. After all, I really had something to look forward to!

There have been a lot of other things that have happened to me since my birth in 1974 that I haven't even gotten to here yet. Things that have made me stop looking to the future before. There was actually a point in my life where planning and thinking about what I was going to do or what I was capable of were actually pushed out of my mind as to avoid the disappointment that would surely follow failure. It took me a long time to get over that. To be able to plan and see a future.

Now I sit here in the first hours of 2010 wondering if I have the strength to look ahead, to plan on anything. There seem to be more questions than answers and I really am afraid to plan. I know what I want, but I am not sure of the path to get it. I'm on my way with ridding my body of Cushing's syndrome. Soon, I'll start the process to alleviate cancer, too. The path to graduation in May is all set, but I'm unsure of my ability to conquer 10 credit hours, work full time, take care of my family, and go through radiation therapy/wean off steroids at the same time. The ultimate completion of 2010 will find me in Manhattan with my family working in a job I love and completely healthy and fit.

Here's to hope - because that's all I have left.

Cheers to the human spirit

Some things I've learned in 2009.

- Knowing is half the battle.

- Confronting and defeating is the other half.

- Nothing can replace love.

- The human spirit lives.

Thank you to everyone out there for your love and support. I don't think I would be where I am without you.

- Heather Rasmussen