Argh! What a week. We get Monday off, right?

Human rights are awesome. I love them. I've actually studied them, even. But, I must say I am especially excited about them after this week. Not that I've experienced some kind of human rights eye opener. No. I'm not that humble right now. If anything, I should be thanking our government for a holiday meant to remember human rights (aka - Martin Luther King Day). Believe me when I say I am looking forward to this "holiday" coming up on Monday. No work. No school. I mean, it's not like we get the family together and celebrate with some extravagant meal or anything. There aren't really any songs or decorations associated with the day. There's always shopping - stores can make a sale out of any "holiday."

I am especially excited for this coming holiday though. I think I will need the long weekend to get over this last week. Mentally and physically, it has been a rough ride.

Salt Lake City has hit a number one in the nation, but not one to be proud of. This week we had the worst air quality (dirtiest air) in the U.S. People like me aren't supposed to be out in that bad of air. I'm already compromised simply by my lack of a lobe in my right lung. I used to just have asthma and every year since I have lived here, I have used my emergency inhaler more during the January/February months than during the entire rest of the year. I didn't even have asthma at all before I moved here.

Where is Salt Lake City? Just look for the orange/red blob on the map.

So, when you have to actually leave your house to go to work and school, it makes it difficult to avoid the bad air outside. My breathing has been more labored, trying to walk to my office from my car, back to my car from my office, from my car to class, from class to my car, from my car to my... I think you get the picture. It's been a lot of walking.

I have also had a lot of pain in my incision area because I am no longer taking the day time Lortab for pain. I take about 1000 mg of Ibuprofen once or twice a day to help with it. I had forgotten about the pain there and in the shoulder after my first surgery. I have tried eating with my left hand more often, but I haven't attempted the left handed use of my mouse at work.

The mental toughness of the week is expressed thoroughly in my previous postings (radiation/chemo - not getting consumed).

So, me and my husband talked about it and and talked about it again. I have requested, and it has been approved, for me to temporarily decrease my hours at work from 40 to 30 per week. I will be going in later each day, rather than going home early. Hopefully my new schedule at work will accommodate less walking to and from my car for work and class, and also make plenty of time for therapy when that starts.

I know I'm going to feel cruddy after therapy, especially the chemo. I guess these therapies can really take it out of you. Craig will be with me for those, so he will keep it real for me. I'd probably try to squeeze in a trip to TJ Maxx or Tuesday Morning looking for discount Le Creuset between therapy and work/school. Craig will most likely force me to go home and sleep. His wiseness can be so irritating sometimes!!

Today I meet with the counselor at disability services on campus. So, okay, I guess I am a tiny bit humble. I have completely avoided this step for the last year. I just kept telling myself that I didn't have a disability, so why would I need to ask for help? I hate asking for help. It's like admitting you can't do it or something. Well, I may not be able to do it all by myself this time.

My desire to finish school is apparently greater than my need to prove I can do it on my own.

So, today I will finish this week off knowing I am on the right track to do what needs to be done to accomplish all of my goals. One of my goals has actually changed and Craig is very supportive, if not darned right excited, of it. Location, location, location. That's all I'll say about that for now. This post has already stretched on, and on, and on...

Fear of being consumed.

When I was in the third grade we moved to a house with a swimming pool. I was always afraid of going into the deep end. I thought pools were connected to the ocean and that sharks could come out of there and eat me up.

The conception of reality we create in our minds can direct us in many ways. My conception of the pool being connected to the ocean led me to believe sharks were under my pool, thus I avoided that area.

The reality many of us have created in our minds of cancer patients is that they are weak, bald and dying. As I walked into the hospital yesterday (Huntsman Cancer Hospital), I saw cancer patients in wheelchairs, bald, people feeding them. It scared the hell out of me. What I saw seemed to be matching the reality of cancer patients I had created in my mind after years of being infiltrated with visuals and stories about cancer. Even the word 'cancer' is one of the most feared in the English language.

The unfortunate comparison to my story of the shark in my pool is that you can't truly avoid going into the deep end when it comes to cancer.

Just as much as I was afraid of being consumed by the shark in my pool, I am afraid of being consumed by cancer. Not the cancerous cells that may be floating around in my body. I trust the medicine and treatments will take care of that part. I'm afraid of my life being consumed by cancer - that horrible reality I have created in my mind.

The greatest lesson I have learned in college has nothing to do with theory or statistics, but rather to do with choices. Going to college has bent my mind in a way that allows for the possibility of anything, but especially through logic and reasoning. Thus, I have decided that I will change the reality in my mind about a lot of things.

First, I believe it is possible to accomplish more not because I'm super woman, but because I know I am capable. I believe in myself.

Second, I know what to expect from my cancer and therapies. With this knowledge, I will be better prepared to conquer the side effects and go through the processes with understanding how to deal with it.

Third, I see a life ahead of me that does not involve Cushing's or Cancer, but one with health and happiness.

I refuse to be consumed by cancer or Cushing's. My life is more than those things. I am more than a patient. I will always remember who I am beyond patient and human, vulnerable.

MOTHER

WIFE

DAUGHTER

FRIEND

EMPLOYEE

STUDENT

WANNA BE CHEF

SPORTS FAN

NEIGHBOR

CRAZY DRIVER

BLOGGER

FACEBOOK-ER

My fear of being consumed is no longer there. I refuse to be consumed by anything. Especially some temporary medical condition that snuck up on me. No way. Not me. I have no fear. Period.

Bzzzzzz. The pros and cons.

I did it again, mostly. Today worked like I thought it would, minus the dinner portion of the night. We went to dinner instead. I needed a quiet place to talk to Craig about my doctor appointment today. I didn't want us to be interrupted with all of those things that inherently get in the way of meaningful conversation at home - like dishes, laundry, cleaning of clutter, etc.

Here's the scoop:

Apparently when the surgeon removed all of the lymph nodes in my chest there were actually two (2) tumors in there - both cancer. None of the other nodes were cancerous or had tumors. So, they appear to have gotten all of them! Good news.

My oncologist, Dr. Akerley, proceeded to tell me how rare my cancer is. Basically there are variations of cancer that go from the most common to the least common in a kind of inverted pyramid. He said my kind of cancer is the extreme tip of the bottom of the pyramid. It is so rare, there is no official name for it. He called it a neuroendocrine tumor, Cushing's tumor, or something else I forgot. He said those are just what they would describe it as, but officially there is no name for what I have. I asked if he knew what stage it was - he said it was a Stage III Cancer.

A Stage III Cancer is one where the tumors or cancer has spread to a lymph node that is no longer in the initial place the cancer started out in. So, when I just had the one tumor in my lung, that was Stage I. If the lymph node was inside the lung and had the tumor, then that would be Stage II. Because the lymph nodes with the tumors were outside of the lung, it is Stage III.

Because this is so rare, there are no studies on how to treat postoperative removal of the cancerous tumors and all of the lymph nodes. So, Dr. Akerely said they (all of the oncologists at the Huntsman Cancer Institute/Hospital) look at the treatments for the more common forms of cancer in the chest to see how successful they are. This is how they decided on my treatment. Radiation AND chemotherapy.

Next week I will meet with yet another new doctor, a Radiation Oncologist named Dr. Kokeny, I think. She was one of the doctors involved in deciding my treatment, so she knows my case well. She will build a map of my chest somehow to use for directing the radiation to the right places. The radiation will last 5 to 6 weeks and I will go five days per week.

After I have my chest all mapped out and the date for beginning radiation is set, Drs. Kokeny and Akerley will work together to arrange all of my therapies. My chemotherapy will be administered via an IV. I will go through four 3-day infusions (12 weeks). There will be three weeks between infusion sessions.

The side effects are many, some much more serious than others. For example, with the chemo, my white blood cell count will drop tremendously within about 10 days after the end of each session of treatment. During this time, I have to be extremely cautious about getting sick. If I get a temperature over 101, I have to call the hospital and rush there to be admitted, where I would then have to stay for 2 or 3 days. That's a more serious side effect I have to watch out for. The one that will definitely occur is the hair loss.

I won't be bald. The hair comes out in funny ways and my hair will just look patchy. I told Dr. Akerley that I had my husband buzz my hair last spring when I couldn't stand it any more - the losing of my hair. Luckily, I don't have a funny shaped head or anything. This is one aspect of the therapy I am least concerned about. I have a lot of hats, so that helps. Also, I will save about $50 a month + between haircuts and product. It will take no time to do my hair and it will dry in an instant!

So, I wasn't really sure if I could still go to school AND go through all of this. I mean, 12 weeks is a long time and we haven't even gotten started on that yet. School only lasts 16 weeks. I was very unsure about whether or not I could do all of this. I am not super woman, no matter how some people try to convince me I am... But I thought about it more and realized, this is not something I just want to do (going to school) but I NEED to do it.

I NEED to do something else with my time other than sit around and worry about my health all of the time. I need this chance to get away every day to focus on something else, something I have control over. Unlike work or home or health, school, for me, is totally controllable. I like it. I actually enjoy it. I'm going to stick with it and come May 7th, I will graduate from all of it - school and all the health issues I've been dealing with for almost a year now.

Success! Shall we try it again?

My day yesterday turned out almost exactly how I had written it at 3 a.m. My surgeon, Dr. Bull, said my chest x-ray looked great. He examined my incision scar and said, "You heal really fast. Don't you think?" I thought, "I don't know. I have nothing to compare to really." He was very happy about the results of the surgery and my recovery. He said I could go on to whatever therapy Dr. Akerley suggests as soon as needed and that I was recovered enough from the surgery to handle such therapy.

That moves us on to today.

It worked so well yesterday, I thought I would try it again this morning.

I'm up. Probably not going back to bed this morning. I had about 6 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I was so exhausted, my head hit the pillow and I was out!

This morning I'll go to the office and meet with my boss. We'll go over projects and programs, websites, employees, research, etc. It will be a brief meeting because I need to be to class at 9:10 a.m. halfway across campus. That means I need to leave about 20 minutes early so I can drive up, park in the pay lot and get to class on time. (Under normal circumstances I would just walk to class, but there isn't much that is normal about me right now.)

Which class? Well, this isn't one I'm looking as forward to taking. I'm sure it will involve some kind of math and I hate math. It's called Intro to Quantitative Communication Research. It just sounds fun, doesn't it? At least I know the professor well. The funny thing about working on campus is that I serve on committees with faculty. Well, yes. I serve on two committees with this professor, so it can be a little odd. Oh well.

After class, I'm heading back into the office until about 1:20. We'll have lab meeting at 1 p.m., so I'll have to cut out early from that. No biggie. I usually offer up the beginning announcements and my boss is here to actually direct the meeting.

I have to be at the Huntsman Cancer Institute, Clinic E, at 1:40 p.m. to have blood drawn. My appointment with Dr. Akerley is at 2 p.m. I'm nervous. Labs? I have to get blood drawn? As you may recall from previous posts, I hate needles. I really hate them. Also, this is really becoming much more of a definite thing now - therapy. I'll find out today what kind of therapy is going to happen, when, etc.

I'll go to the appointment alone. Last time we had to wait for nearly two hours before we were seen (I say we because Craig and Halle were with me). I'll be bringing textbooks to read, just in case I have to wait like that again.

I hope I can do this by myself. Of course, I'll have to, won't I? Then I'll come home tonight and talk to Craig about the plan, reasoning, side effects, schedule, etc.

We'll make dinner together as a family tonight. Craig barbecuing chicken and salmon (1/2 of the chicken for tonight and the other 1/2 for Friday night; the salmon for tomorrow night); Halle will help with the spinach pesto; I'll cook the pasta and be the director.

Then I'll go to bed and do a repeat, minus the doctor appointment, of Monday. Hmm. I guess.

Blink. Soon it will be all over with.

I'm awake at 3 a.m. My day will officially begin in about 3 and a half hours. I'll go get yet another x-ray of my chest. My surgeon will look at my beautiful incision and say "looks good!" I'll drive my beautiful car to work and park in my spot that is always assuredly there waiting for me to arrive. I'll take that walk to the Aline Wilmot Skaggs Biology Building that should normally take about five minutes, but will hopefully in my case take ten minutes if I am lucky.

It's the first day of school for the semester and the lobby will most likely be crowded with biology and pre (insert the profession of any applied science here) students wandering around or sitting in the window seats. The confusion and loud talk will be a great disguise to my entry into the building and short walk to the elevator. Up to the top! The fifth floor of a four floor building is where my destination is. Down at the end of the hall, room 522.

Hopefully my only two plants aren't dead. Not that I could had promised them a whole lot more if I had been there over the last month to water them. My thumb is kind of mossy-brown, like a slow killer of all things green. I keep 'em alive just enough to make them think they've got a chance.

I don't want to think about seeing everyone in the lab just yet. It will happen and I'll tell my story a few times. It will be good to see everyone. I'll hang my coat on my coat hanger, put my lunch in the fridge just outside my office door. My chair. My lovely chair will be waiting for me. It will be good.

Then, class. Oh my gosh! Class. Yes. I have class today. Like I said, school starts today and that is no exception for me. This is it! I'm starting my last semester at the U. I always thought it would feel different. Be - well... I don't know. Maybe it isn't different. I mean. I'm still extremely excited about it! I'm really looking forward to the classes I'm taking. Today? Advanced American National Government with Dr. Benedict in Orson Spencer Hall. Lunchtime every MWF. I've been waiting to take this class, hoping it would eventually fit into my schedule. Yay!

Then back to the office, finally starting to do some real work. Organizing myself. Looking at my many projects and the programs we are trying to get off the ground. It will be very exciting! I really do enjoy my job. I really, really (can I use that word too much in one post?) love the people I work with and for. I could not ask for a better bunch of human beings to regularly associate myself with on a professional or personal level.

At 6 p.m. I will take that walk to the elevator, then to my car. I will sit in wonderment for a few minutes about what just happened. Is the day over with already? Did I really do it? All of that worry I had this morning at 3 a.m. - was it really worth it? No. No it wasn't. Now I get to go to dinner with my family as our regular tradition (and Lamb's downtown) expects. I'll talk to my family, who will eventually get there, and we'll go over our individual days with each other. Comfort. Tradition. In my world right now, this is what I need. Some kind of predictability. Simple expectations.

So. No. It was totally unnecessary for me to worry about how the day would turn out. If I would be able to do it. Clearly I just did! I did it! I conquered my fears and it all turned out just fine. In about 25 minutes, I was able to do it all - just as though I blinked and it was all over with. Now I'll go back to bed feeling accomplished, as though I've already done all this and it's no big deal at all. Good night...

Ready or Not, Here I Come!

School starts on Monday. So does work. I have an appointment for a chest x-ray at 8:15 on Monday right before my visit with Dr. Bull, my surgeon. Tuesday I meet at 2:00 p.m. with Dr. Akerley to plan the following six weeks worth of therapy treatments.

I'm still taking Lortab at night (and sometimes the pain is enough during the day that I want to take it then too, but I want to drive more, so I guess (it's occurring to me now) that I could just take Ibuprofen or some non-narcotic pain reliever). I am still on a half liter of oxygen. Hopefully Dr. Bull will take me off of it on Monday before I head to work. I really don't want to drag along a big tank on wheels to my office and classes.

I'm entering my final semester at the University of Utah. I'll be taking three classes; ten credit hours. My work at this point gets busier and busier, leading to my big show in June. I will be getting my braces off on Tuesday February 16th. I will be applying for jobs in Manhattan, and possibly San Diego, to start in July or August. Which also means I may be trying to sell my house and move my family this year. On top of all of this, I will go through radiation therapy and continue to recover from Cushing's syndrome.

Do you think I'm taking on too much this year? Well, ready or not, here I come!

The Great Escape!

I am going to drive my car today. I'm only going from my house to my orthodontist, which according to Google Maps is only 3.4 miles and should take me about 10 minutes. The appointment usually takes about 20 minutes and they are always on time. This means my whole outing will probably take me about 45 minutes. Not much time away, but definitely a great escape from the loneliness of being at home all day long!!

btw: I can drive now because I'm only taking one Lortab at night to help me sleep. I started this yesterday.