Monday, July 27, 2009

Skipping ahead.

Okay. I don't have time to continue on with my story. Here's the spoiler:

I have one of the most rare forms of lung cancer known in humans. It is a carcinoid tumor that also is endocrine secreting ACTH. Thus, this one tumor is cancer AND causes my Cushing's Syndrome. Lucky me. Only about 30 people or fewer get this type of cancer per year.

The good things are that the prognosis for treatment through surgery is very good. Most people who have this type of cancer are both cancer and Cushing's free after surgery, and completely recovered after about a month (no symptoms, but surgical recover still not complete).

The reason I don't have time to continue on with my story is because I go in for surgery to remove the tumor this Friday, July 31st. I will have to be in the hospital for about one week, and then I have a six week recovery (includes first week in hospital).

The truth of the matter is that I am scared. I am frightened about a number of things.

I don't want to be disappointed again. If something happens and the surgery cannot be done, I don't know that I have the strength to keep pushing forward. If, for some reason, the cancer or Cushing's Syndrome don't go away after the surgery, I can handle that, but I have such high expectations that both will be gone.

I can actually handle the idea of cancer after the surgery (having to go through chemo- or radio-therapy). I don't think I can handle the symptoms of the Cushng's Syndrome anymore.

I am afraid of being cut open.

I realized last night that I will have a permanent scar on my side. I only have a few days left without the scar that will surely be there for the rest of my life. A weird representation of this whole mess. Every time I wear a bathing suit, a tank top, or sexy dress, the scar will be there like a battle wound. My husband said he won't care and that it will just be a bit of character.




I think I would prefer my "character" be represented by my laugh or now curly hair. Scars are ugly and misleading. Nobody knows why you have the scar, so they start conceiving things in their mind as to where the scar came from. Obvious scars, like the one I have from the C-Section giving birth to my daughter, comes with no questions. Besides the fact that it is in an area I don't usually display to the public, it is a scar that brought about joy. I have another scar on my breast from a cyst removal. That is another one that is not visible to the public. This scar will be visible based on my desired clothing choices.

I have this notion that my face will thin out and I will lose all kinds of weight. I think that my joints and muscles will regain their strength and I will walk normally again. I hope that my blood pressure, vision, and water retention will go back to normal.

I just want to feel normal again. But I am terribly nervous about surgery. A five hour surgery where my side will be cut into, the ribs will be spread apart and possibly broken in places in order for the surgeon to get the tumor and lymph nodes out.

I sometimes feel so sad and scared, I start to cry. Sometimes it is so bad, I want to throw up. I just try to keep busy and not think about it too much, but, obviously, I have a hard time doing that ALL OF THE TIME! Like now.

I don't think I will post again for a while. I am not even sure if the hospital has wireless Internet there in the rooms. I'm sure they probably do, but I don't know how I will feel after the surgery. I bet I'll be bored out of my gourd after only a few days.

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